Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
