i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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