cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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