I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
