just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
