Pants 0. Shit 1.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
