grandma shit on top of the toilet
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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