Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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