It's like God shit irony all over that family
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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