I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
