Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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