In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
