A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
