Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
