So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
