My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
