Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
