So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
