I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize