he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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