Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize