Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
