I cannot find my penis.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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