So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
