how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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