I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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