Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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