I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
