Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
