Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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