I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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