Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize