Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
