Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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