you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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