I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
