3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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