roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
