Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
