cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
