i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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