Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
