Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize