Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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