He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
