guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
