guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
