wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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