I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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