i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
