SEEEEXXX PLEASE
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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