Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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