when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
