I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
